Well where to begin aye?
I haven't really sat down to write anything since NaNoWriMo. A few folks in my life might have many things to say about that. Whether I'm an actual writer, or whether I'm doing things correctly or not. It always seems like those who don't have so much to say on how you do.
My mental health has been a struggle. It feels like most days I'm putting a band aid on an open wound. In January and February it was really bad. I kept myself going by saying "Let's see how we feel in March." But March is almost over and I can feel it deteriorating day by day. I keep putting off chores, or activities, to try and just make it through the day. I play games to escape my own mind and it keeps me stable. But once I'm done it's back to the inner battle. Games aren't even helping much these days.
I'm not finding joy in anything I've been doing. I keep plotting THEODIN but not actually writing it. I'm struggling with even calling myself an author or a writer because of how inconsistent I've been. It's easy to say "don't care what other's think" "do your own thing". It easy to say that and hard to live that way. Especially, if that advice comes from people who just don't understand. It's hard to wrap my head around the idea that multiple generations of people just don't understand depression, mental health, anxiety, etc. Even after I've educated people some of their weirds still whirl around in my head. "Why do you choose to be miserable?" "Why can't you just be happy?" "In spite of those events look at you now."
Even though I tell them I'm not looking to be celebrating I'm looking to have my feelings heard and talk through the events, but no one knows how to do that.
My relationships are failing. Friendships dwindling to nothing more than memories in the wind of people I used to know.
"What do you have to be sad about? You're married, have a good job, and have kids. Be grateful."
Time heals all wounds they say. But time only allows mine to widen.
What people don't understand about these struggles is its very rarely me vs the exterior. Those battles can be hard, but are much easier than the reality that each battle is me vs me. People don't understand what it's like to look in a mirror and see your lowest insecurities smirking back at you. All the tools and power to use against you. From the deepest pits of self doubt. With extreme prejudice and accuracy. It's an exhausting battle to get back up and face yourself again and again. And again.
I'm tired of constantly being at war with myself. At fighting off indifference and the overwhelming feeling of not being good enough. I know showing up and being present is 99% of the struggle. But when you scream out and nothing answers. Over and over again. Before you know it it's just you, yourself, and the void.
No one is coming to help you.
No one is coming to save you.
You either help yourself. Or you slay yourself. One version or another.
You're either reborn or keep surviving, or the unwanted wins.
But no one understands.