Well where to begin aye?

I haven't really sat down to write anything since NaNoWriMo. A few folks in my life might have many things to say about that. Whether I'm an actual writer, or whether I'm doing things correctly or not. It always seems like those who don't have so much to say on how you do.

My mental health has been a struggle. It feels like most days I'm putting a band aid on an open wound. In January and February it was really bad. I kept myself going by saying "Let's see how we feel in March." But March is almost over and I can feel it deteriorating day by day. I keep putting off chores, or activities, to try and just make it through the day. I play games to escape my own mind and it keeps me stable. But once I'm done it's back to the inner battle. Games aren't even helping much these days.

I'm not finding joy in anything I've been doing. I keep plotting THEODIN but not actually writing it. I'm struggling with even calling myself an author or a writer because of how inconsistent I've been. It's easy to say "don't care what other's think" "do your own thing". It easy to say that and hard to live that way. Especially, if that advice comes from people who just don't understand. It's hard to wrap my head around the idea that multiple generations of people just don't understand depression, mental health, anxiety, etc. Even after I've educated people some of their weirds still whirl around in my head. "Why do you choose to be miserable?" "Why can't you just be happy?" "In spite of those events look at you now."

Even though I tell them I'm not looking to be celebrating I'm looking to have my feelings heard and talk through the events, but no one knows how to do that.

My relationships are failing. Friendships dwindling to nothing more than memories in the wind of people I used to know.

"What do you have to be sad about? You're married, have a good job, and have kids. Be grateful."

Helpful. Thanks.

Time heals all wounds they say. But time only allows mine to widen. 
What people don't understand about these struggles is its very rarely me vs the exterior. Those battles can be hard, but are much easier than the reality that each battle is me vs me. People don't understand what it's like to look in a mirror and see your lowest insecurities smirking back at you. All the tools and power to use against you. From the deepest pits of self doubt. With extreme prejudice and accuracy. It's an exhausting battle to get back up and face yourself again and again. And again.

And again.

I'm tired.
I'm tired of constantly being at war with myself. At fighting off indifference and the overwhelming feeling of not being good enough. I know showing up and being present is 99% of the struggle. But when you scream out and nothing answers. Over and over again. Before you know it it's just you, yourself, and the void.

No one is coming to help you.
No one is coming to save you.
You either help yourself. Or you slay yourself. One version or another.
You're either reborn or keep surviving, or the unwanted wins.

​But no one understands.

I didn't get much sleep last night. I left early, hoping to pick up a coffee for the long day ahead. Went to submit a mobile order for pick. Out at this location. "Bleh." I thought. I'll head to the other location. As I made my way in and our of traffic rushing to get across a town. I finally arrived. Alas, to my dismay, the line had 10 cars waiting to order. I didn't have time for that and off I went to drop the kids off at daycare. As I left the parking garage, now on my way to work, I decided to stop by a local coffee shop and pick up something.

To my delight, my favorite barista was working today. Giving me a "Hey! Long time no see!" and ringing up my usual they got to work brewing up my large mocha with caramel and whip. When I asked "How have you been?" 
"Oh, I'm good. I'm doing 'Friendsgiving' tonight with some friends."

It was at that moment I felt my mind pull backwards and memories from the last ten years flooded me. Remembering when I would go and celebrate 'friendsgiving' with people who were close to me. Remembering weddings I had attended or birthday parties at friends' homes. Going out for pool and drinks. Mug Wednesdays ending with pizza and gaming at someone's apartment. The warm nights and laughs with friends. As my memory came closer to the present, those memories thinned out. The cast of attendees dwindled until there were no recent memories to recall.

"Ahh, that's nice. I used to do that with my friends." My voice is genuine, but a little sad.
"Well, you still could, right?" My face must have given me away because a second later they said. "Or, maybe not?"

Looking down at the counter, I just smiled before I replied.
"You know how a group of friends always ends up with that one person who everyone asks "why is this person in our friend group?"?"

"Yeah."

I looked back up at them as they poured my coffee into its cup.

"I'm pretty sure I am that person."

"Oh. That's some...self awareness." They replied pouring the cream to add a splash of latte art before piling on the whipped cream.

Which started me on a path of self reflection once again. I made a few posts about this on Instagram this morning. Talking very shortly about it via 2 story posts. Despite 'getting it off my chest' it's continued to roll around in my head all day. I wanted to take a minute to try and exercise it out of my brain.

You might think "Why do you feel like you're unwanted in your friend group?" and let's go through why my mind feels like this is true.

Up until the last year or so I was friends with these folks on social media. I was in group chats with them as well. Any time I messaged my messages would be ignored, forgotten, or just stepped over. If anyone else messaged though, everyone replied immediately. For a while, I never let it bug me. Until I started to see pictures or hear stories of how everyone got together. Or celebrated a wedding, or whatever other major event you'd typically want your friends at. Only, they did have their friends with them. I just wasn't someone they saw as one. And I started to just line the pieces up. Everyone knew when x person was moving away because they told them all. I was told 2 days before hand. Another friend transitioned and celebrated renewing their vows/remarrying with their partner and everyone got together to celebrate. Only, I wasn't invited and only knew about it after a social media post was made.

"Well, I'm sure not everyone was invited." You might think.

But everyone was invited, except for me. That hurts, you know? It hurts to know you're the outcast, or the unwanted person. To think back on your friendships and think "was this a good memory for us? Or was it good to me, and just really annoying to them?" And then everything feels dishonest and fake.

Now, let me say this next. These people do not owe me anything. They're not bad people because I was excluded, left out, not thought of, or just unwanted. They're good people who lead lives where they just want happiness and love like anyone else. This blog post isn't a "here's 10 reasons why my friends suck" or whatever. I'm just listing out events and saying how they made feel. So again, they're all good people. It just became obvious to me they moved on in life and didn't want me to be a part of it. They didn't and don't want me there. And that's okay. It's okay they don't want to be my friends any more. It's okay they don't want me.

It still hurts though. I'm allowed to feel hurt and sad. These people were really important to me for a long time. It's why I always reached out, checked in, sent messages, tried to game with or get together. And for awhile it gave the benefit of the doubt that they just don't text much. They're busy. They had a long day. ADHD probably distracted them and they just forgot to get back to me. But when I saw them making plans together, getting together, going out, and living life with one another present. That's where it became obvious. I wasn't wanted and, really, I never belonged in the first place. I was the friend that everyone wondered "why is this guy even here?".

I don't want anything from them. I just hope they're happy and leading good lives. But inside, for me, it hurts. I feel lonely and part of seeing all these connections now I knew I was alone all this time. But held out hope it was just a misunderstanding on my part. I was being "too emotional" as some them used to tell me.

It's okay to be upset.
It's okay to hurt.
It's okay to feel lonely.
It's okay to not be okay.

Part of why I wrote this piece is that I always want to normalize the conversation of emotional and mental health. We need to remember we can, and should, talk about these things.

I am sad and lonely today as I realize I really don't have any IRL friends left around me. Which leaves me feeling so extremely alone. It's okay to feel that way. I'll be okay. But today, it's okay to not be okay.

Hi friends. It's been quite some time since I updated the blog. Some of you follow me over on Instagram and are the most up to date with my ups and downs. Today, though, I wanted to get more of my ideas out of my head than normal. A story only goes so far. And Instagram has a 2,000-ish character limit. So, here we are!

"What do I want to talk about today?" I hear you ask. Well, a lot of things actually. From updates about myself, to discussing mental health, my struggles with this time of year, and the lessons I learned from participating in NaNoWriMo this year. Yeah, I think that order should about do it. Feel free to skip to whichever parts are important to you!

Updates about Myself
Hmm, now that I'm here I'm finding myself struggling to put down words. My real life 8-5 job is going quite well. I couldn't be happier with my employer, coworkers, and bosses. They're all wonderful, which is a blessing.

I've started working on a new book. I'm roughly 25,000 words into it. For perspective, ATTICUS came in around 45,000. I've also started streaming on twitch 5 days  a week. Currently I'm taking narrative requests and playing them so others can experience the story without playing. I'm trying to post more on instagram. Which I'm focusing on either writing/author items or trying to show readers what narrative games they may enjoy!

My family and I recently returned from holiday. Nothing major, just a short 3-ish hour drive to spend time with family. The kids always love getting to spend time with their cousins. Which is good. Though some are entering that stage of life where you truly want to be an individual and stand out from your family. I remember my own struggles with that era. Heck, it's still a thing for me.

Oh, and I started drafting up reviews for cozy style games. I had did a good number rather quickly, but have been distracted with Pokemon. My next cozy review is of Harvestella. But due to its genre and size I really want to beat it before I write anything up.

Mental Health and my Struggles

This time of year can be hard for everyone. I know for me, it can be quite the challenge. Not sure if it's just the lack of sun. Or because it gets dark sooner here. Not to mention how artic the area becomes. I know for myself though, it's a time of year that can be a really slippery slope. Usually, I can keep myself afloat until about January. Then, it's a struggle. This year though, I'm more equipped than ever before with self awareness, digital friends, and tools to help keep me more calm. Which is good because I am a person who spirals, fast.

If you're out there struggling too. I hope you know you're not alone. I also hope you'll talk about it. Whether it's with people who are close, or even just online. I try to do this a lot in my Instagram stories. I hope that people see it and see that they're not alone out here. Despite being so connected by every channel possible, it's easy to feel so so alone. Hang in there friends. You're always welcome to message me and I'll listen.

I really hope as we keep talking about this sort of thing the lessons sink in for others. Not just the people struggling. But for the bystanders. They mythical creatures who shake their heads at those of us who struggle with the anxiety, trauma, and voices in our head. I really hope they have open ears and empathy when listening.

What I learned from Nano

As I continue to write I feel my ambitions fading away. I'm losing focus and my fatigue is growing.

This year I decided to participate in the annual NaNoWriMo. A challenge event for writers or authors to try and write 50,000 words in the month of November. Many do this via writing prompts, or practices to hone their skills. Others, like myself, use it as a launching pad to get a bunch of work done in the next project. While I had a beautiful start, I fell off midway through. In about 2 weeks I wrote a solid 25,000 words and was on track to complete Nano. But, I just couldn't do it. I burnt myself out mentally and emotionally. Writing 1,667 words every day was hard. Especially, since my writing style previously was "only write when the muse strikes". But, there are some wins.

1. I actually wrote 25,000 words in 2 weeks.
ATTICUS took me 8 months to write, edit, revise, etc. And it was taxing emotionally and physically. Mentally too. I swore I couldn't write unless I was blessed with the gift of inspiration. I learned I can tap into that when I want to and I don't have to wait around for the golden hour of inspiration. That's huge!

2. I was training a new muscle and I went too hard.
You don't go to the gym and start bench pressing 200 pounds. You start slow, build your muscles, and work your way up. I didn't do that with my writing. I burned myself out. I pushed too hard, too frequently. Something I think I'll from here on out though is writing sprints. Wherein, I set a timer for 5-25 minutes, or something, and just write in that window.

Those were the 2 major lessons I learned this year. I think that's a big deal. So while I "failed" the NaNoWriMo challenged. I can learn from failure. I was able to self access and see what didn't work for me, how I failed, and what could work for me in the future. We're all people learning and growing. Just because I failed, doesn't mean it's the end.

I hope others will remember that too and show themselves grace in life.



If you made it this far, let me know in the comments how you're doing! Or give it a like, if that's an option. If you're enjoying this blog, it sure would mean a lot if you shared them on Insta or wherever you think it can help people.

Until next time friends. Always remember you're not alone out here. 
​Hang in there.

Society and social media have a strange place in our daily lives. They made it as a way to connect with friends or family. Especially in the cases of living far from one another. But in the era of 2022, it's more similar to a cesspool of despair. Whether it's to slam on others' opinions online or eavesdrop and "spy" into the shared day to day of a friend or family member. These days, social media is an expectation by the masses. If you don't keep your friends or family added, then there are problems. If you don't have a presence, then you're suspicious.

I know many, and I too speak from experience, have amazing friends in the digital space. People who genuinely cheer you on. Who hope you succeed. It's strange we come to rely on random people through screens to help get us through the day but we cannot rely on our family or friends to be present and there. What a backwards concept.

Since the release of my first book it feels like my Imposter Syndrome has come alive stronger and more often then ever before. Receiving mixed feedback of praise and love to criticisms about typos, flow, and how novice my writing ability is. It's left me feeling lost and shaken to my core on a constant basis. Recently though, while the imposter syndrome quakes and leaves my soul trembling as it lurks beneath the surface, I feel as if I've found an old part of myself. One that allowed me to walk more freely even amongst the chaos ravaging my insides.

A memento or relic from my younger self, whatever you want to call it. It helped reawaken memories with close friends and mentors telling me things like:

"Even though I don't like you, I actually respect you a lot. You're one of the only people that just tells it like it is. Regardless of whether that makes you popular or not. You're just honest and I never have to wonder if you have ulterior motives. Its refreshing and honestly, really calming. Even if you are the loudest person in the room."

"You're so full of life in a world full of gray. It's why I was drawn to be your friend. No matter what, promise me you won't let the world take away your color."

"Seeing the beauty in the world isn't something everyone can do. In fact, you're most likely to be ostracized and kept at arms length by most people. That's just because they can't see what you see. They can't comprehend life on a grander scale like you do. It'll be lonely, but, we need people like you to pave the way for everyone else, despite how lonely it'll be."

As I take a seat in the theater of my own mind and watch as my life's film plays by I see clips of my younger self. While I was a confused, angry, and lost child. I also had so much passion. I was filled with a strong will and regardless of the outcome I always stood by my moral compass. Even if it made my friends angry or caused fights with family I never strayed from who I was. For all the things I was naïve about as a teenager, my tenacity and strong will was unmatched. I would've thought as I grew this power would continue to course through me, but, ultimately it quieted until it was nothing more than a candle flame easily placed behind glass. Transitioning from young into adulthood I started biting my tongue more, being more agreeable, and falling in line behind the standards society laid out for us all. It didn't happen over night, but throughout the years my "rebellious spirit", as some would call it, went to sleep.

Walking through the neighborhood of memories and peering inside each years' and moments' building it's interesting to see how the events went. Thinking back on them, how many of these moments, if things had just slightly been different, how different would my outcome have been? Would I still end up here where I am today? Would fate, regardless of the route, always bring me here? To an insecure, broken, remnant of who I used to be? A shell of a person? Maybe that's too harsh. While I might've lost my rebellious spirit I gained empathy and compassion. I can analyze and speak freely about my emotions and feelings which was something I never could've done in my younger years. I can openly cry with people now. I can tell you why I'm sad, and what I need as a person. That too is a strong power, just in a different way.

I may never have the same tenacity, or blindness, to my own values as when I was a child. But I can combine who I am today with the good lessons of my youth. I can remove the glass from around the candle and allow my rebellious spirit to once more be free and ignite the distractions around me. That is something I can do.

I hope you'll read this and reflect on your own experiences. Don't let other people dictate what you can and cannot do. Don't let someone stop you from pursuing what you want because "you're not good enough." "people won' want that." "who is going to want something from you?" "who are you to talk about that?" Let your rebellious spirit be free and burn brightly. Follow your heart and believe in yourself. And if that's too hard. Remember I believe in you and let that be your help until you learn to stand on your own again.

For me, I'm late to this occasion, but, as of today I'll let my rebellious spirit free once more.
"Crush the obstacles in my path and soon they will know our names. Ravage them."
​

I think this is an important conversation to have. To start I wanted to share a situation that was shared with me and all names and such will be revised.

Kevin reached out to me the other day stating that they had an issue they wanted to vent about. In that conversation they mentioned how frustrated they were with how an important person in their life didn't respect their boundary and privacy when it came to personal information. Kevin said this person had sent out a message to their entire family sharing something personal, which I won't share, against their wishes. i.e. they did not consent to the sharing of this information. Kevin also expressed frustration due to this same person not respecting their boundaries in the past by sharing extremely private and personal details with the family.

Reflecting on this it got me thinking about my own issues with my family growing up and that's the theme of our post this time.

Hello writing, reading, and author friends. Some of you might have been anxiously awaiting this day while others might be surprised. If you didn't know, my Instagram Story space is quite lively. I post almost daily on it. Usually several times throughout the day. Whether it be updating folks on what I'm doing, a sneak peek into family life, or food for thought type posts. If you've followed my stories, been to live shows, or chatted with me you know it's no secret I am a massive advocate for mental health. I take great pride in presenting my issues openly and honestly. I do so hoping to normalize the conversation. I hope that others see my issues and can relate to or find them relatable. I often receive messages or comments thanking me for being open and talking about these things. Or gratitude for putting out positive vibes into the space. When I asked if folks wanted me to begin a blog doing a deeper dive into some of these issues that are close to home many of you said yes! I was pleasantly surprised to see that and so, the blog has been born!